This week on The Real Housewives of Sydney,
the ladies have been hit by a wayward shrink ray and they dance for the approval of notoriously bad-tempered choreographer Abby Lee Miller. Wait. Sorry. Dance Moms is running overtime.
As Miller shrieks at small children, telling them “she hates that kid crap” while they cry, I can’t help but think she’d make a great Real Housewife.
We get to the real thing. Nicole conscripts her children to pack her bags and she reminds us that Victoria, and not the show’s producers, has planned a totally organic trip to the Whitsundays.
Nicole warns the kids they better put the accessories in the correct bags or they’re gonna get it – revealing she has separate bags for clothes, underwear, shoes and sunglasses. Nicole shares that she thinks it’s important to teach your children important things like how to fold a cashmere sweater and the best way to pack a silk dress.
Neve auditions for Josie and the Pussycats, while Nawal thinks Queensland in somewhere in New South Wales – geography is not important.
Arriving in the Whitsundays the girls begin a few days of catwalk, cat fights and cocktails. All seem to have forgotten about the warnings about Victoria and being around water, and have signed up for an ocean-side getaway.
Matty, who is channeling JLo in the fashion stakes, returns to the group after ditching AthenaX’s party last week. She says she can’t be bothered with the drama. We’ll see about that.
Before meeting the other girls Nicole has quick catch up with AthenaX and suggests she spend less time talking and more time listening to what other people have to say. Nicole asks AthenaX if she can recall the names of anyone else’s children.
AthenaX fails to divine the names of Nicole and Matty’s children when pressed. Anyway who remembers the names of other people’s kids? Nicole says she has an excellent memory and lists off Athena’s offspring as Alexandro, Pavlos and Mirella.
Athena says “Whoopy-do-dah”, and offers Nicole a trophy for her mega-memory skills – perhaps she’ll sculpt it herself?
The Lady Levendi debuts a new cape from her Grecian Goddess collection to thunderous applause (from me). Matty feels a little bit awkward, so she gives herself a fat freeze under the table to calm her nerves.
Victoria prefaces the dinner with a plea for “some people” to put their differences aside to allow for a fabulous time.
At dinner AthenaX asks to swap her baked Camembert entree for the fish, she’d been served the cheese because she’s vegan. “An 80% vegan,” she explains, vegan except for fish…. and cheese.
Nicole comes for AthenaX for wearing an elephant tusk on her wrist, while being a vegan. The girls pile on. Krissy’s smirk is louder than her Wookie war cry.
AthenaX is “fucking freaked out” by the bracelet now. The bracelet meets the same fate as her rope cape. She tells the audience she really can’t be a vegan due to her luxurious lifestyle, admitting she wears leather, and has a crocodile handbag given to her by the Prince of Arabia (isn’t that an X-Box game?).
Melissa asks Nicole and Krissy how they cope without their husbands. They each finish their seventh cocktail. Lisa is triggered after admitting she is having marital troubles last week and the conversation turns to divorce.
Victoria is disappointed that Lisa has reconsidered leaving her husband. Lisa admits she doesn’t share a bed with her husband and Krissy can’t say the word sex without grimacing like a kid whose bookmarked the word in her dictionary.
Victoria feels very attacked. How dare Lisa confide in her then change her mind the next week! That time could have been better spent throwing things into a nearby body of water.
“She’s done a complete 360!” Victoria complains. Not realising that what she really means in a 180°, but hey who needs trigonometry when you can pack a nice case.
Lisa leaves the table to spend some time alone in a perfectly lit corner of the resort, Lisa and Nicole talk about regular human feelings and I tune out.
AthenaX shares she is a spiritual lover as well, revealing that she and her husband use the power of Kundalini in the bedroom. Which it turns out is some sort of Tantric sex, not a new R&B artist.
Surprised that no one else has had ten minute orgasms, AthenaXXX gets deep about intercourse and the others roll their eyes simultaneously while she explains she only makes love, never has sex.
To camera, Melissa comments on AthenaX’s epic lovemaking skills saying “let’s just leave it at that shall we”.
Lisa returns to the table and thanks Victoria for listening last week. A mention of tantric love-making forces Lisa’s hand into taking a shot.
Victoria drops in her weekly mention of skinny bitches as she prepares to launch her own alcohol range before the finale and the girls get on a fancy boat. AthenaX is dressed as Donald Duck, complete with a mini cape. Krissy terrorises Captain Paul with her sexuality.
Matty realises she’s on the wrong yacht when Paul translates the name of the vessel as Peace and Tranquility. She doesn’t make it off the boat in time. Melissa does some mental maths and realises people will have to share cabins. You can hear the producers laughing maniacally off-camera.
Melissa and Nicole are paired up, snorers Matty and Lisa are grouped in one bed. Krissy and Victoria get the master suite. AthenaX gets a comparatively palatial room and the others see red.
Lisa, Matty and the one whose name I keep forgetting go snorkelling, while the others have a go on inflatable paddle boards. Victoria tells Krissy to loosen her vagina for balance. She falls. Bad advice?
Escaping to the beach, Melissa apologises to AthenaX for coming for the ivory bangle and admits she’s intimidated by the other girls. Melissa reads from a teleprompter that she has in fact known AthenaX for a long time and can trust her. She really is quite a good actress.
Lisa is in her element under the sea.
Melissa admits she’s a bit stressed being around the girls after years of being in the public eye and she’s worried about her body image. AthenaX channels RuPaul and tells Mel what other people think of her is none of her business. Melissa’s storyline ends for the season.
The girls sit down to dinner and realise after a few drinks that Lisa is missing. Victoria asks if they should wait before they eat as Matty cleans her plate. AthenaX says something about poo in the milk? I’m lost.
AthenaX is disappointed with Victoria’s boat hosting duties. It seems Victoria has not adhered to the Debretts guide for boat etiquette by not showing each guest to their room. The room drama unfolds!
“We are very graceful,” says Matty, attempting to express her appreciation for the trip. Victoria asks when Matty will be taking them on a boat trip.
Lisa appears and announces herself with her trademark poise and elegance.
“I got stuck in a current. I nearly fuckin’ drowned.”
The girls and I learn that pyramid arms is the international symbol for an emergency. It turns out Lisa was not doing a rendition of the YMCA in the ocean.
Lisa was saved by a man who rode a giant inflatable swan that may or may not have been sentient. Krissy doesn’t buy the swan story. Lisa is pissed. Swan man knows what happened.
Athena comes dressed as a fortune teller to dinner. Victoria names her cocktail with Lisa’s pyramid signal. Lisa looks sad.
AthenaX wants to know why the girls haven’t ask her about art. Nicole gives a detailed report of AthenaX’s current work, saying she has an excellent memory and listing off AthenaX’s art supplies. AthenaX is pissy that she doesn’t get to announce it herself. She talks about it anyway and organically invites the girls to her art opening.
Melissa remembers she’s on TV and asks Victoria if she told AthenaX that she thinks she has an eating problem. Here we go!
Victoria saves her own ass and Melissa glares at AthenaX with her smoky eye. Can she trust her?
AthenaX can’t believe Melissa’s “lack of integrity”. Nicole notices Lisa is quiet. Matty asks for the salt. Lisa begins to cry. Presumably not over the salt. Nicole announces that it’s Lisa’s wedding anniversary. Melissa can’t believe Lisa even can cry.
Victoria asks why Lisa isn’t with her husband, despite being fully aware of their contractual obligations. Krissy believes in Nicole’s detective skills as she sets off to console Lisa. Nicole and Lisa talk human emotions again.
The girls all hug Lisa as she returns to announce she’s going to bed. It’s actually kind of sweet. I feel a bit ill.
Observations: Matty and Lisa both snore, surely there’s a treatment for that. Not a single reference was made to a Melissa pop hit in week 4 – I guess they ran out. Is pooing in milk a thing? Don’t Google it.
Challenges: If faced with the opportunity to give feedback to anyone this week just say, “It’s quite unique, it’s very different.” Just like Melissa did in response to AthenaX’s art. Construct a necklace from an old chandelier. Buy more luggage. Ditch your children for an island getaway.