14 Things to Do on Valentine’s Day Instead of Crying on the Floor of a Pub


  1. Sort your socks into matching pairs.
  2. Memorize all of the lyrics to the musical Cats.
  3. Make your own all natural shampoo. Use it to wash away your tears.
  4. Create an electro outfit comprised of yourself making guttural sounds and your household pets walking all over a keyboard. Become the next big thing on Triple J Unearthed.
  5. Fashion yourself a lover out of Papier Mache.
  6. Make a monstrous many-headed effigy of those who have romantically done you wrong, set it on fire and dance around it naked.
  7. Get a white board marker, sit in front of a mirror and draw facial hair, a hat or whatever other exciting facial accessories you can come up with and pretend your reflection is a winsome stranger.
  8. Get a non-toxic felt marker and connect the dots with all the moles on your body. See what constellations you can make with your hideous deformities.
  9. Sellotape your ankles together and imagine life as a mermaid.
  10. Cover your entire body in PVA glue and spend the evening peeling it off.
  11. Choreograph an interpretive dance based on the changing of the seasons. Be sure to include costume changes and see how frequently you can incorporate “the Sprinkler”.
  12. Bake yourself a cake. Inscribe upon it your hopes and dreams in icing. As you eat it imagine yourself absorbing its positivity.
  13. Shave your head and use the clippings and some Clag Paste to give yourself majestic chest hair.
  14. Start an arts and crafts society with your single friends.

Sophie Joske

Tags: , , , , , , ,