February 14th marches rudely towards us once again, and not all of us will be merrily ensconced in true love’s sweaty embrace. So for those of us who are lone rangers this Valentine’s Day, here are some guidelines to keep you from ending the evening unable to distinguish the vodka from your own tears.

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• Treat yourself nice:

Valentine’s Day is not only a capitalist vehicle for the sales of floral goods and confectionery, it’s also a time to appreciate the people who know us the best. Who knows you better than you! After all, you’ve been so kind to you, brushing your teeth, feeding you, dressing you, bathing you and driving you everywhere. You’re so under-appreciated. You should buy you a present.

• Get some allies:

However much it might feel like you’re the last baboon left at the watering hole as your compatriots gaily bound into the jungle, red-arsed for mating season, I can guarantee that this is not the case. Get your best lonely cat people together for a big ol’ friend date. Everything’s better in a group.

• Find fun activities:

If you’ve got prior plans for Valentine’s Day, you’re not lonely. Just busy. Take up martial arts or crochet and watch the 14^th whizz past like any other day. Or alternatively, do something as non-romantic as possible. One Valentine’s Day I got a bunch of friends together and we all drew pictures of our exes, glued them to a piñata and had ourselves a nice time. That’s an especially good activity because not only does it exercise your craft skills, but it’s also cheaper than therapy.

• AVOID THE INTERNET

This one’s in capitals to emphasize its importance. Mid afternoon you might feel like you have all the stoicism of an elderly member of the royal family but when evening comes and you’ve gone through the required amount of chocolate bars/packets of instant noodles/boxes of wine who’s going to stop you from going on Facebook and seeing just how much smaller your ex’s new partner’s butt is than yours? Past You, that’s who. Get in there early and unplug your router, put your phone on airplane mode, duct tape your hands together, do what you gotta do.

• Treat somebody else nice:

The simplest way to avoid wallowing in self pity is to remember that it’s not all about you. Make someone else’s day. It doesn’t have to be romantic- call a friend you haven’t seen for a while or make your mum a cake.

Safe travels, lovers. May this Valentine’s Day bring you joy, or at the very least, be free of awkwardness.

Sophie Joske