ARIES
Look inward. Scour past the innards and guts and goo and such. Venus has moved back out of your sign, literally. By the 15th it’ll be canoodling with Pisces, having given you up for somebody saucier. Not feeling up to it? Then don’t do it. Wait until the 26th when everything old is new again. But until then, distance seems d’jour. Which is strange – while all you want to do is hide away from the world, all the world wants to do is seek you out. Get strategies into place. Plan, budget and plot that escape route.
TAURUS
Your ruling planet has gone retrograde, which means it’s time to rip out all the remaining Formica from the kitchen and question why on earth you let it live on so very ‘long well after’ its use-by-date. And speaking of use-by-date, you’re gonna feel as though your sociability has all dried up too. Don’t worry, there are plenty of dramas still to be had as problems raise their ugly bleary head around the 10th. Yes, someone is going to want all the attention… and it ain’t you for once.
GEMINI
It’s getting a little complicated in your camp, and you not only like it camp but bloody complicated too. Maybe you should seek out a little space? If so, you could always go to space. I hear the space is lovely up there… in space. If that fails… well, I don’t know. You see, the month starts out all fun and sunshine but pressure gradually builds until it reaches bursting point around the 18th. And in the pressure of it building, it brings up some old issues and crazy goings on. Mmmmmm… can’t wait for it to all pop!
CANCER
Seems you’re in for a good month, Cancer. There are opportunities two-fold popping up and tripping you over and screaming in your face and generally pestering you to lap up their mad inspirational bits of joy and glee and success and really long sentences that make you want to gasp for breathe but not just yet because there are a few more words to go and I’m surprised my spell check hasn’t told me that this sentence is grammatically incorrect for being so long. Gasp! Love will get deeper than ever before too this month. Yes, either you both take the leap or they finally have that surgical procedure to have their gag reflex removed.
LEO
What on earth is a ‘snafus’? I really don’t know but the fact that my spell check doesn’t pick it up means that it must be a real word. And the best part? You’ll be finding out exactly what a ‘snafus’ is when it lands its confusing and chaotic little tush square down right next to you and asks if you’d like a cup of tea. Now… ‘tush’ comes up as not being a real word on my spell check, yet ‘snafus’ doesn’t have any red squiggly lines under it. Hmmm. I hope this is the only dealing I have with the ‘snafus’ this month. You, on the other hand, have to live with it. Don’t worry, financial concerns will overshadow all your ‘snafus’ situations on the 10th… but only for a moment.
VIRGO
Sex bomb, sex bomb, you’re my sex bomb… sorry, just been sniffing some glue. Watch out this month as you start digging beneath the surface. A super sleuth? Hardly. Bored out of your mind more like it. Don’t worry – it starts getting interesting toward the middle of the month when people reveal their feelings to you. A look over your finances should also prove interesting because new strategies arise. Now if only you stay away from the glue, everything should be cool.
LIBRA
It’s time to get a little bit more serious, Libra. It may have been all well and good to have a little laugh, but now it’s coming down to the crunch. You may find yourself questioning what’s going on in your life and if you do so, make sure you bounce your questions off someone. It all gets a little bit tough mentally and you may find yourself being a little bit more pushy than normal. If that is the case, chill Libra. Yes it may be sweltering outside but just chill it down indoors and it’ll all be fine. Watch out for Lady Luck as she sashays your way on the 11th.
SCORPIO
I’m so excited, and I just can’t hide it, you know you know you know I want to, I want to… so what exactly is it I’m so excited about? You know… I don’t really know. I mean, it’s certainly not about the fact that life is looking up for you, in all matters. There are so many creative projects around you at the moment it’s amazing. So much so in fact that you go out and create a random Facebook status generator just to prove how exhilarating your life truly is. Everyone sees right through you, of course, just like they always do. Instead, you consider taking up crochet, but find you’re allergic to wool.
SAGITTARIUS
You will inherit the earth, but not on my shift. Instead everything will settle down somewhat and you’ll find that home is where the fun lies. Invest in some laughs with family members. Expect the job front to be a hive of activity around the 10th as work projects culminate. Rewards, however, are still a little while off. Matters of the heart seems somewhat distant until April comes around, so if you can hold out until then, good. Romance? Not likely.
CAPRICORN
Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear. Well, the good news is that you still have me in your life. The bad news is that, well, there isn’t any better news that will beat the good news I just gave you. Perhaps I should have started the other way round, but either way you look, at least I’m still here. Which is good, because matters to do with love will most probably stall this month. Don’t pine – move on. Creative energies are also at a low point. Finances, however, come under the microscope and hell, even if they all disappear you can still be safe in the knowledge that I’m still here. God, now I’m feeling sorry for myself.
AQUARIUS
Busy ain’t ya?! Wow, look at you go, micro-managing the world away. Sheesh, you just don’t stop. And nor should you. There are issues to do with money that need your immediate attention. And plus you should also be aware that around the 12th and 23rd there will be unforeseen instances that will impinge on your purse. Wait… scrap that. If I just told you about them then how on earth can they be unforeseen. Unless of course I can see the future and I’ve just told you the future and in the course of doing so have ripped a hole in the space time continuum. If so, and if anyone asks, I’m blaming it on you… nosy.
PISCES
Don’t make big splurges this month. In fact, only make little splashes. Tiny pitter patter splish splashes. If you do make a big splash, well, the fall out could leave you penniless. And we don’t want that… poor penniless Pisces. Hmmm, it has a nice alliteration, mind you. No, money matters are best off in April, and that includes luxury purchases. A special someone weighs in for a little fishy attention on the 10th.
Beau de Vine
