ARIES
This month, you are not just leaving the building, you are burning it to the ground. See, you know that when God spoke unto Moses as The Burning Bush he actually said ‘Abraham, go forth and discover petroleum. Failing that, try paraffin. Save up a dollar, because before The GFC hits in a few millennia you’ll be able to buy a box of matches for less than a dollar, which means that at some point your ancestors will be able to ignite the world for 99 cents’. But instead Moses took up masonry. This month, don’t be Moses. Be God. And pray whoever owns the building has insurance.

TAURUS
Sorry, you didn’t leave the building: you got kicked out. See what happens when you prove yourself to be emotionally inept. Best part is I may be gone, but they’re still gonna have me torment you once a month via these important inches. Not that I’m a size queen. See… hardly wrote anything about you.

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GEMINI
I’m going to miss you. You’re like a senior citizen in a Gen Y body – a weird creepy thought, but hilarious when you lose your cool. Take courses in world domination. Failing that, become an editor. Eventually. When you are one, hire starving poets with outrageously spot on fashion sense. Never question their motives, unless they have you cornered in a dressing room with garments wielding five figure price tags. Then, take a deep breath, remember what all your shrinks said, count back from five… and remember that you’re here, in the year 2011, reading your horror-scope. Panic attacks are your friends, but make sure they don’t puke over the upholstery at every party.

CANCER
Ummmm, hi. So… it was really awkward bumping into you the other day. Loved that you asked how everyone else was except me. That’s fine – I’m moving on to the most amazing things. Which you know, is amazing, like me. So yeah… nice bag. I’m gonna leave the building now, walk around the block, and come back in like ten minutes. Awkward! But not you Abbe May… and sorry my horror-scope was wrong last issue. In my universe you won! Bloody stoner twins with big jet planes.

LEO
You’ve already left the building too. Sometimes, you come back. Well, some of you come back. It’s like I’m talking to variations of the same person, except I’m not, but I pretend I am and make up completely new names for all of you that I keep in my secret tongue. Do I sound mad? It’s because I am. I was right you see. This building either makes you crazy or fat. Since fat was so 2009 and slim so 2010, I’ve decided 2011 is walrus. Do you like my walrus? I do. Now shhhhh… I need to sneak him out in my bag, and he’s too busy singing George Harrison songs, which is really annoying, because no-one likes George Harrison, God bless him, particularly the fat, especially the thin and most certainly the insane… do… do do do. WTF?!?

VIRGO
So did you notice last month I swapped your horror-scope with Pisces? I bet you didn’t. It’s ok. This month it applies. What was it? Oh… that’s right: keep things short an….

LIBRA
Libra is leaving the building. Ladies and gentlemen and identifying others, it’s been a pleasure, but I’m done. So long, farewell, and thanks for all the fish. Remember, Douglas Addams also said that a successful writer is not in what they write, but whether their first name is longer than their last: it looks better on the cover of a book, you see. Not long enough? Punctuation signs are your friends. Oh… he also said that the true sign of a psychopath was not the axe they were wielding but their use of exclamation marks!!! Three or more and hello Patrick Bateman!!! Unless punctuation is your friend, in which case tell Douglas Addams, God bless him, that you’re having an enjambed punctuated party jam!!! After you go to town on him like Patrick Bateman would!!!

SCORPIO
!!!

OPHIUCHUS (NOV 30 – DEC 17)
Seriously? No-one liked you in the first place. That’s why you got kicked out originally. Don’t think some Mayan Armageddon big budget blockbuster with super-monks is gonna make us change our minds. I mean, Matt Damon died. You killed Matt Damon. So no, sorry… nobody called for a Doctor and snake dancers or mystery special guest zodiac signs. Not on my shift. Matt Damon. Matt Damon!!!

SAGITTARIUS
I’m sure there is a building somewhere, but you’re always such a non-event that it doesn’t really matter. Plus you can’t sit still long enough to read your horror-scopes. So I’m just going to sit here and talking manically to myself so my editor thinks I’m being brilliantly insightful and profound, which I am you know, just not when you’re around. Why? Ummmm. Leprosy. Yes, it’s very big. Well, I am like a Third World Nation – starving for attention and gun toting. Oh, whoops, my hand just fell off. It’s alright, I have another one. Besides, I predict it’ll grow back. Just watch. Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh. See, a stump. Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh. Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh. Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.

CAPRICORN
You know what, I’m genuinely going to miss you. I know right, who’d have thought. I know, I know, I tried telling people that too, but they couldn’t seem to get past the fact you described my heart as a lump of coal. Only to be trumped by Old Man Gemini who called it ‘a seething black hole’. Nice. Thanks for that. Oh yeah, that was me who shat in your top draw. Sorry. But yeah… feelings. Fuck hey. I know… they arrived last week off eBay. A bitch to install. And now that I’ve got them, I don’t have to waste them on you. Yay! Nah, but seriously, love. Big love. Ok… that’s enough. I still gag at human contact.

AQUARIUS
Dear Cake, I leave you my empire. It’s a little malnourished but looks fabulous. Cheekbones are really big this season. As our starving horror-scope writers. So feel free to share your cake, Cake, because there is enough cake for everybody. Oh oh oh. I have Mary Antoinette wigs at home (don’t ask) so when I come in next week let’s play The French Revolution. The staff can be the unwashed masses. I’ll bring cake. And powdered wigs. Oh oh oh. And Sofia Copperfieldarellasomethingsomethingmydaddyisfamoussogivemeallyourbigbudgetsforthese’movies’. Yeah, her. And wigs! It’s a date. Now… let them eat cake, Cake, and don’t hold back on the big serves. Love ya!

PISCES
If you are fish, I am cow. No, seriously, I am a cow. Cow beats fish. You just have to swing me by the tail. Mind the moos.