RECAP | Real Housewives of Sydney: Are you a puddle or an ocean?

Following the #CapeGate disaster of the first episode, Chewbacca Krissy drops around Victoria’s apartment to see if she’s OK.

Sitting out on Victoria’s balcony overlooking Bondi Beach, Krissy carefully chooses the seat furthest away from the water.

Victoria says it takes more than that to ruffle her feathers, (we’ll be watching closely to see if she ever goes out in feathers).

Victoria says she’ll apologise to AthenaX for throwing her cape into Circular Quay and promises that she’ll buy her a replacement cape that will be even better. But will it be more avant garde?

Victoria expresses her best Madonna when speaking to camera.

Meanwhile, AthenaX is taking Melissa shopping at her favourite upmarket op-shop. Coaxed into a jacket from her mother’s era, it’s not clear what Melissa thinks of the look but it’s fair to assume that ‘Sexy is NOT the Word.’

AthenaX says she doesn’t mind being called ‘Jatz Crackers’ because all geniuses were seen as being crazy by those around them.

Victoria in once again referred to as ‘a woman of her age’. Is this the new birther movement?

Victoria calls and invites them to a brunch so they can all make up. She asks that everyone wears white. AthenaX wishes Victoria “light and love”, later explaining that she is actually made of light and love, but apparently being made of orange juice is also an option.

AthenaX spots an old wedding dress hanging in the store and declares it the perfect dress for the brunch, honouring the Victorian era.

Melissa escapes the store without buying any jumble.

Nicole hangs out with her children Nawal and Neve, (points for alliteration), making cup cakes and explaining the importance of doing charity work to help the downtrodden.

Nawal, disappointingly, does not feature a protruding canine tooth from her forehead as her name would suggest.

Then they chat about what how they’ll spend their time after school. Fencing, yoga, Pilates, art classes and buying a pony are on the agenda. The children are adjusting to their new life in a Australian mansion and miss the convenience of heading to Paris for lunch.

Lisa Oldfield heads home after a big day at the office to spend some time with her kids Bertie and Harry.

Young Bertie doesn’t want to get in the pool, Lisa affectionately calls him a “dickhead”, he calls her an “idiot”. Husband David says Bertie’s not known Lisa long enough to know she’s an idiot.

Lisa says she couldn’t give a “tinker’s cuss” about what anyone thinks of her parenting style. The high-flyer shares her hope that Harry will grow up to be the Prime Minister and Bertie will be the captain of the Australian Rugby team.

Here’s hoping Harry rebels and runs for The Greens, it’ll make the inevitable 28th season of the show far more interesting.

Krissy has her entire family over for dinner, which is prepared by her personal chef. The family all chat about their Instagram accounts.

Mum Denise is apparently quite controversial on Instagram, and the kids revel in the opportunity to say pussy on television. Later Mr Lucas and Miss Brahms clear away the plates.

The ladies all meet up for Victoria’s brunch and order multiple skinny bitches (Vodka, Lime and Soda). All are dressed in white, AthenaX looks like she’s auditioning for the new production of Picnic at Hanging Rock.

Matty carefully chooses a seat that puts Victoria between herself and the water.

Soon the other ladies arrive and open giant boxes filled with Stolli, Bolly and g-strings.

Miranda AthenaX says she doesn’t wear g-strings and throws hers away, infuriating host Victoria. Victoria wonders if Jatz Crackers wears Granny knickers.

AthenaX tries make amends with Victoria and Chewbacca Krissy by giving them an actual “branch of olive”. Thank God she didn’t want to “bury the hatchet”.

Lisa arrives late because she was presumably “swamped by Asian” clients. She’s dressed all in black. Asked if she missed the ‘wear white’ memo she retorts that she didn’t want to look like she was at a Klan meeting.

Lisa is quizzed about a social media post she made about Amy Winehouse that the other ladies think was in bad taste, she brushes it off as ‘humour noir’… the Double Bay version of black humour.

AthenaX begins comparing herself to Malcolm X. Krissy doesn’t know who Malcolm X is, later Lisa says to camera that Krissy has an IQ of “room temperature”.

AthenaX keeps going on about how she’s very deep, saying some people are puddles and others are oceans, before getting into an argument with Matty, who tells her she’s not Buddha and storms out.


What types of underwear does a deeply spiritual housewife favour? Does Melissa know how speaker phone works? How long will Nawal have to wait for a pony? Will Krissy reprise her Greek accent impression at AthenaX’s party next week?


Find and follow Krissy’s Mum Denise’s Instagram account. (Seriously, help us find it.) Make an ‘I Went To Ormeggio On The Spit and All I Got Was This Stupid Olive Branch’ t-shirt. Categorise all your friends based on whether they’re puddles or oceans. Try out some #HumourNoir on your own social media.

The third episode of Real Housewives of Sydney airs Sunday at 5:30pm on Arena.

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