I need help. I’m going bonkers. My boyfriend did something awful, he betrayed my trust. I had told him something a few months ago that was very private about me and he promised he wouldn’t tell anyone. And then he did – he told another guy, perhaps the one person I didn’t want to know about it. My boyfriend has apologized many times, told me he thought he would be helping me; that by telling this guy, it would help him to understand. I feel betrayed, I am angry, I am disappointed and hurt. My boyfriend can’t understand why I can’t forgive him. I’m just too angry and hurt – I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive him.
To be able to trust the other person is one of the most important things in a relationship, if not the most important. That we can be ourselves, confide in our partners/friends, be honest with the belief that things are respected and kept private – these are a benchmark on which we judge a relationship and they could be said to be sacrosanct.
Isn’t it awful that none of us are perfect and that sometimes people let us down or we let others down; that the trust we believed was inviolable is proven otherwise, even if the other person thought they were helping us. The pain we feel, the hurt, the anger, the sense of betrayal – they can be so overwhelming, they overtake us and no matter how much the other person says ‘sorry’, the pain does not seem to go away.
Whilst trust may be the most important ingredient in a relationship, forgiveness is its twin – the other side of the coin, so to speak. The unfortunate thing is that many of us do not really understand what forgiveness entails. And why it is necessary.
Why is it necessary? So the other person feels better? No!! We need to forgive for our own healing. Our pain, our anger will never be fully resolved until we make the decision to forgive. Forgiveness is not a feeling. We cannot wait till we feel like forgiving; we could be waiting all our life. Forgiveness is cognitive, it is a decision. We make the decision to forgive, not so the other person feels better, but so that we can get that monkey off our back, so that we can resolve our anger and move on.
And forgiveness is not about forgetting. We have all heard the saying, forgive and forget. We can’t truly forget. We can only truly make the decision to forgive.
I presume you don’t want to tell your boyfriend to get lost. I presume you still care for him, that you want to be able to trust again, to stop feeling the pain. If this is the case, it is up to you. You need to make the decision: I forgive. This is not saying you will forget. This is not saying that the feelings will immediately dissipate. When you can say I forgive, you will then be free to communicate with him openly and honestly, let him know why you are hurt, why you feel betrayed. You will be free to listen to him, why he betrayed your trust. You may not understand, but you can forgive. Only then will the two of you have a chance to heal and re-build the trust. Forgiveness is your decision. You do it for you – so you can heal. Heal well.
Relationships Australia is a non-profit organisation offering education, counselling and other services to people of all backgrounds and sexual orientation. RA has lesbian and gay counsellors with many years experience working in our community. The website www.wa.relationships.com.au gives information on all services. Elizabeth has over 30 years experience in relationship education and counselling.
Please send questions on relationships to Elizabeth Brennan, Relationships Australia, PO Box 1206, West Leederville, WA 6901, or email elizabeth.brennan@wa.relationships.com.au, Elizabeth is only able to answer your enquiries in print in OUTinPerth and cannot give personal replies.
