ARIES (MAR 21 – APR 19)
Who rule the world? Girls… clearly. And this month if you aren’t a girl you have no chance of world domination. In fact, it’s recommended you shelve such plans until such point your chromosomes are in vogue again. Unless you are a girl, lady, lass, babe, woman… in which case, get ready to run for parliament!
TAURUS (APR20 – MAY 20)
Are you betting on a bull in the heather? Are you getting a little Kim Gordon with your microphone? Do you secretly crave to find a dollar so you can put it into a washing machine and do some washing? Do you goo goo goo? Is New York inside you? If you answered yes to all of the above then you’re Sonic Youth.
GEMINI (MAY 21 – JUN 20)
Avoid Asiatic airports and journalists. This month you are just a little too high strung to be coming out of any kind of passenger terminal. It’s not your fault really though… blame it on the Lars Von Triers of the world: misogyny is so 100 years ago. Go a little beserk.
CANCER (JUN 21 – JUL 22)
Get a shovel. Dig a hole. Jump in it. Say goodbye. Goodbye!
LEO (JUL 23 – AUG 22)
You’re all geared up to unleash your inner sex kitten this month. May I suggest lots of PVC, a touch of rubber, some vinyl – for spinning on the turntables, naturally – and plenty of whips. Gagging for it? Yes, indeed you are. Top it all off with some whipped cream, just to cover the food porn. Now… just add a lover. Ah, there’s the rub. Or rather, there ain’t the rub. Oh well, at least you can feed the horses instead.
VIRGO (AUG 23 – SEP 22)
Earth Mother Goddess sparkle inside of you. No, you aren’t retaining, you are literally bursting with new ideas and outrageous schemes. Incubate them so they can hatch and fly the coup. Let those creative waters burst forth. And the best part? Kick up those swollen ankles and get someone else to do the mopping up.
LIBRA (SEP 23 – OCT 22)
Go a little gaga because, yes, you are a phenomenon this month. Be sure to sport at least 12 and a half outrageous looks this month. Speak with aplomb in your month. Give it all away and make them crave more. You aren’t just a firework… this month you’re the whole sky show. Minus Cold Chisel.
SCORPIO (OCT 23 – NOV 21)
Coco Chanel said that the key to style is; when attiring oneself in garment and trend, pause before leaving the house before a full length mirror. Savour your reflected presence. Take a deep breath. Remove one thing. Unfortunately you are stuck with your hideous looks so choose to remove something else. Somewhere in Europe, Coco Chanel is rolling in her grave.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22 – DEC 21)
God is a woman.
CAPRICORN (DEC 22 – JAN 19)
Are you a Wynter Gordon or an Alexis Jordan? It’s a fine line: smut and elbow deep innuendo ‘ingénue’ versus the airbrushed dead pan deadmaus unblemished covergirl. Choose your number one hit. Irrespective of which ever teen dream you choose to be this month, the harsh reality remains the same: baby, you’re a one hit wonder. Although I’d gladly hit you one more time.
AQUARIUS (JAN 20 – FEB 18)
Libra Fleur.
PISCES (FEB 19 – MAR 20)
It’s a myth that it smells like fish. A big myth. This month, you set out to define that illusive bouquet. You travel to the deepest reaches of the Amazon where fish have given up their gills and have gone all Axolotl. Then you sojourn to the Sahara where fish have become fossils in an attempt to adapt to the harsh yellow earth tones. Finally, you frequent the outer atmosphere where fish don’t even exist, because flying fish don’t really fly, they just sort of plop up out of the water. Do you discover the truth? Who knows.. even I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Beau de Vine
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