ARIES
You will make some bald moves this August. Yes, follicles are out, slap heads are in. You’ll lead the charge with words like ‘bungle’, ‘rort’ and ‘shambles’ dogging your every move. You may have been a rock star in a former life, but now… well, no-one’s really sure what you are any more. Credible is the least likely response.
TAURUS
What are you wearing? Jesus Christ. When did a royal blue ’80s inspired power suit with shoulders to match ever come into fashion outside the realm of Dynasty or The Bold & The Beautiful. Your outfit will be so outrageous that when they come to do a group montage shot of you and your party friends, you’ll be put discretely in the background, the lurid blue shoulders of your power suit providing the counterpoint of balance to the entire portrait. That will be your only concession to anything to do with stylistic taste for the whole month. Burn your wardrobe and fire your stylist.
GEMINI
Sharing a name with a Hollywood spunk does not mean that you, by proxy of name, inherit any degree of spunkiness. In fact, it appears in your case, it’s the complete opposite. So instead of an expanding population, perhaps you should focus on your expanding chins and tighten the number of calories you’re allowing to enter the country. Considering you are relatively the size of a small island. If only you looked good in a spandex suit… like your Hollywood namesake.
CANCER
Money money money. It’d be ok if it was your money you had to worry about, but it isn’t: it’s everybody’s money you have to worry about! And not just that, there’s the giant deficit to worry about to. Fortunately that overshadows your complete and apparent lack of personality, which is a good thing. Don’t wanna draw attention away from all that debt with your winning charm now do you!
LEO
Fat bastard and loveable larrikin are the two phrases that come to mind when people think of you. I know, I know… even if you are slim they still think of you as a fat bastard. God people can be horrible. Right? Right. I know, I know. I probably shouldn’t tell you then that I found entire websites dedicated to people comparing you to Shrek. Again, another person to whom the phrases fat bastard and loveable larrikin can both be applied. As can the word ogre. Are you an ogre? I guess we’ll find out.
VIRGO
Now that Brutus in drag and her cronies have stabbed you in the back in spectacular style, what’s next? Dye your hair? Learn yet another language? Actually turn up to important meetings now that you aren’t really that important yourself anymore? Whatever you decide to do one thing is for sure – watch your back. After all, you never know who might to try to scratch that itch.
LIBRA
With fire in your hair and a really bad accent you’ll murder your vowels in an attempt to run this country. Look at moi, I’ve got two words for you: moving forward. Wait, no, that’s not it. How about: sustainable population. Or: cash for clunkers. Wait, that’s three. Try: cash-for-clunkers. No, that makes it one. Oh I don’t know. One thing is for sure you know how to wield a knife and you know where to stab it. You should appear on MasterChef.
SCORPIO
Thank god I hate Scorpio’s. It makes hating you even easier. Which is already pretty easy to do. Especially when you parade around in your underwear. Sorry, speedos. There is a chance this month you might become the leader of the nation. Ugh. Great. Hopefully you’ll get stabbed in the back. It’s very popular at the moment. Are you? No, not among the gays anyway. Apparently we make you scared. Which is understandable – we’re so fabulous we scare ourselves sometimes. Maybe we should hang out sometime, maybe go to the beach together, get to know each other. You can borrow a pair of boardshorts. No. Seriously. We insist.
SAGITTARIUS
Vote Greens.
CAPRICORN
You will be excluded from any kind of leadership debate, even though you are a leader. I think it’s to do with your ears. They intimidate people. Some think they are your attempt to harvest wind. Others believe you hold a feather and you can fly. And then there are those who look at you as the only sound alternative. Whichever way you look at it, this August you actually stand a chance.
AQUARIUS
People are strange, when they have strange names, people are strangers when you’re alone. This month you will find many new things to complain about. Like… this. And that. Or whatever. Complaining is what you do best. It’s just a matter of whether people actually listen to you or not. They possibly think you’re strange. What with all the complaining. And the strange last name. Weirdo.
PISCES
Vote Republican. Oh, wait….
