ARIES
Back for more hey? Good. Looks like 2011 will be filled with all the usual malarkey someone of your caliber is sure to attract. And attract you will. You’re on fire this year. Yes, you are paraffin. No, wait. You’re petrol. No, scrap that, you’re paraffin dipped in petrol dancing with a naked flame. Oooooh, naked. Everyone wants to get naked with you. People will take off their clothes in the street at the sight at you. In fact, I’m stripping as you read. I’m down to my panties. Can you hear me peel the elastic off my heaving waist? It’s embedded and purple and feels so good. I’m going to set fire to them once I’ve stripped.
TAURUS
Ugh. I dated a guy over the Christmas break who was a Taurean. God, that was a waste of time. Are you a waste of time? Well, if you’re anything like this boy, I’m afraid you might be. In which case it’s time to grab your life by the horns. And don’t let go. Only the weak let go. Instead, ride this year hard. Do things that throw you out of your comfort zone. Get rid of all the dreary emotionally safe emotional blankets that keep you snug and dreary and bust it out a little. God knows you owe it to yourself to step the whole thing up. So step the whole thing up! Because before you know it you’ll be middle aged. Now, you don’t wanna be middle aged and boring do you? No. So stop being boring. And stop wasting time!
GEMINI
This year is going to be a hoot; a huge hoot in fact. Such a big hoot that you may get lost in amongst the hooting. Think Hooters-big. But don’t let that get you concerned. Just embrace the new year and be really positive. Get a calendar. Maybe a cat. Look at what makes you happy in life, start a list and then lose that underneath some magazines on your desk. Then forget that you even tried to do something different and keep on pottering around like you did before. Wait till next New Year’s Eve and repeat. Watch out for the hooters.
CANCER
This year one of your songs will be shortlisted for the Triple J Hottest One Hundred. If you don’t write music, it’s time you did. People will fall in love with your debut album. I hear talk of an ARIA, but that could be the operatic sense of the word too. I’m not sure. You’ll get me drunk, but like Mystic Meg I’ll get you drunker. Together we’ll be drunk and pick up boys. Or girls. I’m not sure. One thing I am certain of and that’s that you have a fan in me. Well… all of you except the ex, clearly.
LEO
Thanks for abandoning us Leo. We’re not bitter, just extra salty. Mmmmm, sodium. How’s life on the outside? Loving it? Yeah well… we don’t care. Unless you’re coming to visit. In which case bring cake. You know how we love cake. In fact, your entire year can be appreciated in the absence of cake. When there is no cake, you will be happy. But when there is cake you’ll be cast back, nostalgically, to the children you left behind. Bittersweet I think the phrase is. It’ll be a bittersweet year whenever there is cake. Mmmm, cake.
VIRGO
This year you will keep things short and sweet.
LIBRA
You are amazing. For you, 2011 will be just amazing. Isn’t that amazing.
SCORPIO
I had one of my acolytes write your star sign. It’s part of my new Mean School of Astrology. However, the star sign they submitted was so bitchy that I didn’t want another lawsuit. Which is a good thing. For me. And you. That means I get to write you a nice horoscope. Which means I just have to muster up some nice feelings. Give me a moment. Wait. Here it comes. Oh, no, that was just gas. Hmmm, ok, so clearly this might take a little longer than expected. Why not pop the kettle on and come back next month. I’m sure by that point I might have something nice to say. But if that fails, I’ll just run the horoscope my acolyte wrote. Now that’d be nice, wouldn’t it.
SAGITTARIUS
This year you will move to Saskatchewan. I hear it’s amazing this time of the millennium. Not nearly as much fish fall or dead birds falling from the sky as like in other places. Ugh. Armageddon. It’s coming to get you.
CAPRICORN
So it’s the New Year? Who cares? It’s just another number being added onto another pointless number. I wouldn’t make any plans if I were you, don’t think it is going to be your year at all. Hmm, however after saying that you did have some action over the New Year, or did you? Anyways, as a new year’s resolution, I think you all should be kinder to me and maybe eat more mints. Who knows maybe you will have more luck after that. On the brighter side of things, you are a year older, oh god, that makes you old! Not ancient, just old. If you were ancient you’d be wise, but being old you’re just annoying. Now me, I’m ancient, like the wind… hear me rustle around you like greasy paper.
AQUARIUS
This year is going to be your year. The world is ready for. Saturn and Uranus and both a little busy and might actually be late. Neptune said they’ll be bringing a friend. Pluto’s just fallen off the map. Mercury is still up from five sun cycles ago. Venus will hit on all your friends. Mars is pissed at you for some reason. And me… I’ll be the last one to leave. And yes, I vomited in your bed. After I had sex in it. With those twins. Who turned out to be your younger brothers. Whoops!
PISCES
Is mummy still fighting your battles for you? Time to cut those apron strings. Get a big pair of scissors and get ready to snip snip snip because this is the year you kick it out by yourself. Yes, mummy might still be around but it’s not as fun to have her fight your battles. Or do you laundry. Or cook your dinners. Unless she’s really old. In which case I recommend getting a whip and whipping her while she shuffles around serving you. That’s what I do with my mummy. Oh gee, I hope yours doesn’t take another lawsuit out against me. That was so 2010. Big love! To you and the old lady.
Beau de Vine
***
