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The Australian Government may have passed legislation to define the word ‘marriage’ as being exclusively between a man and a woman, but nothing can stop same-sex couples having a big gay ‘wedding’.
A wedding is defined as the ‘act or instance of blending or joining’ and many same-sex couples are choosing to celebrate their relationships by holding lavish wedding, handfasting or commitment ceremonies.
Sandy Bayly is a certified marriage celebrant who started offering her services to same-sex couples after travelling in Europe and America, where she says commitment ceremonies are quite popular.
‘I saw that there was a real need for something like that here in Perth and I think everyone should have the same chance to celebrate their relationship,’ she said.
While same-sex ceremonies may not be legally recognised in Australia, they still carry great personal and cultural significance for many people.
‘The commitment ceremony basically confirms their relationship to family and friends. It publicly identifies you as life partners, who will be there in sickness and in health,’ said Sandy.
‘Even though there is no legality, publicly declaring your love for each other is a big deal.’
Ishara de Garis is also a professional celebrant and says the power of having other people witness a statement of intention between partners is quite strong.
‘If someone stands in front of you in a way that convinces you that they are really sincere and tells you that they really love you and they are always going to be there to support you, that changes how you feel about them.
‘But if you add to that a third party, witnessing what’s being said, it actually takes it out of the arena of being something intimate, which is heartfelt at the time, into something that other people are going to expect you to stand by too.’
Ceremony is an important part of Ishara’s life and she uses ritual to celebrate many occasions, from baby naming, to house blessings and birthdays, practicing traditions that have been lost over many generations.
‘If you look at traditional cultures all over the world, they all use ceremony to acknowledge all kinds life passages and significant transitions. We’ve kind of lost that and now people have this sense of “I want something more than just a party.â€
‘Given that we don’t have the option to legally register a marriage, which is basically a way of saying ‘this is our intention and we will be held accountable to it’ -ceremony is what we do have.’
According to Ishara, there is an upside to same-sex couples not being able to have a legal ceremony. With no legal requirements and restrictions to adhere to, a same-sex ceremony can be whatever the couple’s desires.
Personalising your ceremony so that it reflects who you are as a couple is vital. It can incorporate spiritual and religious symbolism or camp fun and frivolity depending on taste.
‘We’ve all been to ceremonies that have been fairly empty, where it’s like these people are just enacting somebody else’s fantasy about what weddings are supposed to be like,’ said Ishara.
‘Personalising your ceremony makes it real to you and people comment very favourably on a wedding that they feel actually reflected who the people were.’
‘Same-sex commitments can be very stylish,’ said Sandy.
‘There are people who want a very elegant and eloquent, stylish ceremony and there are others who just want to be on the beach and do it in shorts- it can be anything they like.’
Cledwyn Stafford says he has seen a wide range of ceremonies in his time as a celebrant, with same-sex couples often being much more creative in their approach than heterosexual couples.
‘The traditional couples tend to stick to the ring ceremony and the vows but my gay couples seem to allow themselves the freedom to be much more real,’ he said.
Cledwyn says there is little difference in the significance of same-sex commitment ceremonies and traditional weddings.
‘They’re no less poignant, no less valuable to the people I do the ceremonies with. If anything it’s a little bit better than a traditional wedding.
‘What’s interesting is that I’m getting quite a few heterosexual couples asking for commitment ceremonies. I think people are wanting something that is a little more special than what is called a marriage.
‘They don’t necessarily want the legal side of it, they want something they can do in front of people that they love, to celebrate their journey together.’
Handfasting is an old European tradition that pre-dates marriage as a religious institution and is making a comeback as an alternative to mainstream weddings for both heterosexual and same-sex couples.
Ishara herself held a handfasting ceremony with her partner when they decided to move in together.
‘We said “come to our handfasting ceremony†and quite a few people were pretty slow at cottoning on to the fact that this was actually a wedding,’ she said.
‘People are not really familiar with the term but like many things it’s gradually picking up in people’s understanding.’
Handfasting differs from mainstream weddings in that it does not require couples to pledge their commitment ’till death’. Couples are free to commit to terms they feel comfortable with and in one popular Pagan handfasting vow, couples promise themselves to each other for ‘a year and a day’, then renew their vows annually.
‘You commit to someone for the moment that you can commit; it’s less of a lifetime thing,’ said Cledwyn.
‘I think traditionally, marriage didn’t need a priest, it just needed the community to witness it and like I say to people today, it’s really the community that witnesses their relationship.’
All three celebrants would like to see same-sex couples granted the same legal recognition of their relationships that heterosexual couples enjoy.
‘Bring it on!’ said Sandy. ‘But the way the government is going at the moment I can’t see it happening in the next decade or so. I’m hoping that in my lifetime it will happen.’
Cledwyn is a little more optimistic, saying it is only a matter of time before we see equal marriage rights in Australia.
‘It will be legal soon enough. Within the next five years I think.’
Until then same-sex couples can still celebrate their relationships in style, love and grand style with a choice of personalised ceremonies.
Same-sex celebrants:
Circles of Blessing (Ishara de Garis)
0415 593 408
circlesofblessing@gmail.com
Sandy Bayly
0407 665 016
sandy@sandybayly.com.au
Cledwyn Stafford
0409 794 419
cledwynstafford@yahoo.com
Sites to help plan your big day:
www.perfectgayhoneymoons.co.uk
Details great GLBT-friendly holiday destinations and tips on how to plan a legal ceremony abroad.
http://gaylife.about.com/od/samesexmarriage/a/ceremony.htm
Includes a great month-by-month checklist of things to think about long before the ceremony, right up to the day before.
www.gayweddings.com
Info on everything from invites to gifts and planning.
www.gayrites.net
Advice and ideas on types of ceremony, jewelry and honeymoons.
Wedding Cake Toppers:
What big-gay-wedding would be complete without a pair of matching brides or grooms atop a cake?
WeddingCollectibles.com offers a wide range of gay and lesbian cake-toppers from the traditional to casual and even custom-designed figurines made to bear an uncanny likeness to the couple.
They can be ordered online and shipped within weeks.
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